If Suffering, Seek Connection.

 

Much of therapy, though not all, may relate to a person’s experience of suffering. Throughout human history, there are a number of shared general experiences, and of these the experience of suffering would be one. Depending on the context, how someone would define or describe “suffering” may change, but in general we might consider “suffering” as a form of extreme distress or pain that results from encountering (once or chronically) some form of harm or threat which so significantly affects the person, their perception of themselves and life as well as their general well-being. Frequently, when talking about “suffering,” we may reference it by talking about persevering or enduring through the experience.

What does suffering look like?

Suffering is not something that only briefly appears, but it remains present for a period of time; and, during this time, the person may feel hopeless, despair, desiring relief from suffering and potential separation from the source of suffering. How suffering looks in one person’s life may look different compared to another person. For instance, for some, the experience of suffering may influence them to have anxiety, someone else depression, and another person a combination of the two. In response to suffering, a person may feel angry, irritable, sad, confused, and perceive themselves as helpless in being able to change their circumstances, especially in situations when they have experienced significant injustice. With suffering, one moves through the cycling stages of grief, which is important to acknowledge because grief indicates that something or someone good has been lost.

In life, there are many people, things, experiences that make up our sense of what is “normal” and “right.” Our sense of safety, stability, and security is strengthened by the consistency of these parts of our life which make our life feel good and meaningful, which contribute to us having optimistic perspectives about our reality. When talking about the experience of grief due to loss, the loss pertains to something or someone now missing from what has been our “normal,” the experience in our lives that we believed was “right” for ourselves. Dr. Suzan Song (2026) writes, "Loss is a destabilizing force… [they] shake your sense of security and threaten your identity. When you lose a loved one, your sense of community and relationships are made vulnerable… Losing a job, house, or material wealth can all jeopardize your sense of security, safety, culture, identity, and status.” What causes a person to suffer may differ from one person to another, so empathy and compassion must always be used to understand how someone feels they are suffering, and especially to understand how their suffering may be relieved.

Suffering and being Disconnected.

When experiencing suffering, it is common for someone to feel despair. Recently, when reading about the aftermath of the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, I read a description of despair shared by a survivor who lost their spouse in the tsunami, which I believe to be poignant as well as effective in describing how despair may be felt by the survivors of lost loved ones, as well as by those who may endure sufferings of other kinds. The survivor shared about despair as a “pain burning on the inside and the thought of a future [that was] unbearable” (Roxberg et al., 2010). Such despair has a way of pointing to the separation already experienced as well as has the potential of influencing even further separation from others. In despair, one can begin to feel alone in their suffering, that others may not or, in fact, do not understand their experiences. “Suffering causes an experience of being shut out from others and from life itself” (Wiklund, 2000). Isolation may seem to promise relief, but it is a key barrier to recovering from grief and suffering.

Re-Integration & Belonging

Because isolation and disconnection from others is such a significant barrier to someone recovering from suffering, it makes sense that connection to others may be what helps to strengthen someone despite their experience of suffering. Sometimes the pain of loss may feel sharper when we are around others, but there is a promise in the connection we keep with others: strength. Dr. Song (2026) also writes that “longitudinal research shows that the most protective factor post-crisis isn’t therapy (although it is helpful!). It’s a sense of belonging. Reintegration isn’t about returning to a time of stability; it’s about a community redefining what’s normal, together. … Personal healing became part of a greater collective journey” (Song, 2026). Connection and belonging can happen again after someone has experienced great loss. Even in the middle of suffering, a person can experience a stronger sense of belonging when they are connected to a community or people who care for and show compassion, understanding, and show up in ways that fortify the heart and mind. True resilience against suffering cannot be found through isolation – resilience is fostered in connection.

Not there yet?

As alluded to earlier, it is common to seek separation when we are hurting. Sometimes we need a moment to ourselves to gather ourselves, to find strength in intentional solitude where we can mindfully assess our needs, consider our resources, and determine our next steps. But most often, we may linger in our disconnection from others. Sometimes we get stuck in shame, embarrassment, guilt, self-judgment, and fear of judgment from others. Understandably, it can feel impossible to reconnect to others after or in the middle of suffering.

If what I’ve shared resonates for you or someone you know, then it may be time for you to reconnect to the people who matter most to you. If you feel that you or this other person isn’t ready yet, I might recommend you start by simply connecting to a therapist. In working with a therapist, you may be able to learn new coping strategies to improve how you manage the suffering, and you may be able to find ways to re-experience connection and community in ways that do not immediately feel overwhelming. And while I make this recommendation, I recognize that it is also hard to take that first step, so I also want to share that brief consultations are always an option when considering if it’s the right time to start reconnecting with others like a therapist, to start improving how you are feeling.

If you are interested in a consultation, you can reach out to Family Practice Associates to enquire further.

 

References

Roxberg, Å., Sameby, J., Brodin, S., Fridlund, B., & Da Silva, A. B. (2010). Out of the wave: The meaning of suffering and relief from suffering as described in autobiographies by survivors of the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami. International Journal of Qualitative Studies on Health and Well-Being, 5(3), 5323. https://doi.org/10.3402/qhw.v5i3.5323

 

Song, S., MD PhD. (2026). Why we suffer and how we heal: Using Narrative, Ritual, and Purpose to Flourish Through Life’s Challenges. Random House.

- Michael Bennett, LPCC