Unspoken: (The Hidden Crisis of) Men's Mental Health

Hello to FPA as we welcome the month of June! You might not be aware that June is designated as Men's Health Month, which is why I want to share some thoughts with you specifically about men's mental health. You'll notice as I write that I make some generalizations about both male culture and female culture, and I want to note up top that of course these things are not true for all individuals and that my language choice of men/man is not exclusionary to other masculine gender identities.

So why am I writing about this and what's the problem here? Men don't talk about things that need talking about. What outcome does that yield? Men suffer. They suffer in silence. They feel alone. They are at much higher risk of death by suicide. What are we going to do about that? Talk to our men. Men, talk to each other.

The conversation is truly just beginning about men's mental health and how it intersects with our cultural ideas of masculinity and the expectations we place as a culture on the men in our lives. Why don't men talk about their mental and emotional struggles? That's an easy question for me to answer.

First-

Stigma is a huge hurdle in the tending of men's mental health. How many of you heard or have even said to someone you love things like: Man up. Stop crying. Handle it yourself. Take it like a man. Don't be a *insert derogatory term here*?

Men historically haven't been given the freedom to express themselves openly. Our expectation is one of strength, stoicism, emotional repression, apathy, and radical independence. Somewhere along the way we started equating strength with a lack of vulnerability. Vulnerability is weakness, and weakness is failure. The men who've bought into this belief wind up suffering in isolation, alone and hiding. Their pain gets boxed up and packed away internally, where it becomes a pressure cooker only to result in either an explosion on the people around them or an implosion on themselves.

Second-

Presentation of mental health concerns looks different in men. Depression might not look like depression, it might look like irritability, anger, loss of interest in work or hobbies, emotional numbness, relational disconnect, sexual disinterest, high risk-taking or reckless behavior. Anxiety might present as workaholism, insomnia, lack of focus or productivity, or perfectionism. Both depression and anxiety could manifest as a substance abuse problem, using alcohol or other drugs as an attempt to cope.

Third-

Missed warning signs are one of my top concerns when it comes to men's mental health. Men in America constitute 80% of deaths by suicide. That's four times higher than the death by suicide rate for women. Our men are suffering, and they are dying because of it. In American men under the age of 45, suicide is the second leading cause of death behind accidental death due to unintentional injury.

Fourth-

Lack of opportunity or access is another significant contributor to the mental health crisis men face. There aren't a lot of resources specifically for men to manage their mental health, and the large majority of mental health providers are women which can create a barrier due to assumptions or biases. Men- have some real talk with your buddies. Have some real talk to your brothers. Check in on each other. Be honest with yourselves, and be honest with one another. Encourage each other to go to therapy to deal with issues like depression or anxiety or substance abuse. If you get up the courage to seek therapy for yourself, tell your friends you've taken that step. It doesn't need to be a secret. If you find a therapist you like and trust, send your friends to them as well.

What can we do to support and encourage the men in our lives?

I talk sometimes about meaningful cultural change needing to come from inside the circle. What I mean is, women telling men how they need to take care of themselves isn't as effective as men supporting men from within the culture of masculinity. Lots of guys I know don't really talk to the guys in their lives. They talk to their female partners. Which is helpful, and healthy, but not enough. All of us need more than one person in our lives that we can share our struggles and our hurt with, rely on when things are tough, and celebrate with when life is good. Women are blessed with the privilege of female friendships, which are culturally encouraged and celebrated. Women are allowed to take girls' trips with their friends, call their sisters and chat on the commute, cry together and hold each other. The same freedom hasn't been given to our men. How many men in your life call a guy friend of theirs and just chat for an hour on a regular basis? How many men cry together (especially when they're sober)? How many hug and embrace each other? If you're a man who suffers from depressive episodes, have you ever said out loud to another man "I'm depressed or I'm not doing well or I'm really struggling right now."?

Men, hug your buddies. Tell them you love them. Check on them when they seem off. Let them know its ok to struggle, that it isn't weak to ask for some help when life feels like it's too much to handle. Be gentle with one another. Build each other up. Don't bottle everything up inside.

To the men in my life and the men brave enough to come work with me:

I admire you, I'm proud of you, and I'm so grateful to be alongside you as you grow into the men you're meant to be.

- Rae Cowen, LMFT